I’ve recently made a tough life decision. It has wrestled me to my core and left my tear ducts a bit more empty than before. I couldn’t have done it, were it not for the whisper of God, “It’s not the right time anymore.”
Key word being “anymore.” {After all, He was the One Who led me to the opportunity three years ago and opened the doors wide for it to be.}
Here’s the scoop: I’ve put my piano pedagogy studies on hold. You know those times where something clicks and you realize how much you’ve been doing? Those moments where you realize you can’t carry this load for another minute? Between church responsibilities and life adjustments, that’s where I’m at.
Tired. Burned out. Empty.
At this point, several areas of my life are getting an overhaul- a purging, perhaps. And while it’s hard, I can actually taste the freedom that it will bring.
Putting my music studies on hold has been one of the hardest things to do. Ever.
But reality sometimes screams when we don’t listen to its whisper.
Adding to my heart wrench is the fact that I’m halfway through this particular Harmony course. And I live only 30 minutes from the top rated music college in Canada.
I feel like a failure. {Satan loves to make us feel that way, doesn’t he?} I know I’m not a failure, but at the moment I feel like one. I was raised to follow through commitments with determination. I hate the fact that when I start again, I will actually be starting over. Not on the whole degree, but on this course. In some ways, it will be good. I think it will help cement some of the concepts into my brain. But I’m still pushing those ‘failure’ thoughts out of my head.
I’m facing the fact more and more that the season of life I am in HAS to count. It HAS to be my priority. I HAVE to use every opportunity to teach my young children without being distracted. Perhaps the reality of homeschooling two children {instead of just one} is coming home to me.
But I’m also realizing how quickly days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months, and months turn into years. Time practically disappears.
How much of my day is spent in teaching God…Scripture…life to my children? And with that perspective, it really seems ok that I’m stopping my music studies halfway through. It seems ok that I might not pick my books up again until my children are much older. It seems ok that my best laid plans are not playing out the way I envisioned them.
It seems ok that my music rack is empty.
Because I know that someday it won’t matter that I have an ARCT in piano pedagogy if my children don’t love God. It won’t matter that I made other sacrifices in order to study music if my children’s hearts aren’t filled with Scripture. It won’t matter that my secondary dreams came true if God’s dreams for me and my family haven’t come true.
As I contemplated whether or not to continue my studies, I asked for God’s leading. It was one of those things where I felt He would bless either decision. After all, it was His idea for me to even start. Yet there came a decision in front of me to choose best over better. And while I worked through the emotions and tried to make a wisdom-based decision, I heard it in my heart:
“Sometimes it takes courage to quit.”
And it all seems ok when I hear the whisper of my God, “You won’t regret it.”
Can you relate, friend? Have you had to make a difficult decision lately? What helped you decide which path to take? Have you been blessed with the sense of God’s peace when your plans changed? I’d love to hear from you!
This is a beautiful post. I still struggle sometimes about dropping out of college and a lot of other things I’ve quit on, but you are right: It does take courage and sometimes it’s what’s for the best. Something has to give!
It’s hard sometimes to focus on accomplishments instead of failures, isn’t it? I’m glad that those things have nothing to do with our worth in God’s eyes!! 🙂 Love you, friend.
Thank you for sharing you heart with us, as always! I understand that thought “Im a failure!” I homeschool my 2 oldest and I LOVE teaching! But this year The Lord led us to switch things up a little and now we are doing DVD instruction. I fought with the Lord over this because I really did feel like I was quitting, but He calmly reinforced his decision in my and my husbands hearts. My son, 2, has some developmental issues and we just started a brand new church and I know that these things also need my attention. I have been amazed at how, once I surrendered to His will, my soul has been given peace! Praying for you as you adjust to this new life change with your son and all the other responsibilities you have 🙂
Dianne
You know what, Dianne? I had those SAME feelings last fall when I switched my son to DVD school. I felt like I was a bad teacher who decided to take the easy path. Silly me! It was God’s way of taking some extra stress off of me, and in the end it was wonderful! Small Son learned so much more than I could have given him and once we got the school year well under way, I didn’t feel like a ‘cheater’ anymore. 🙂 You need to go and give those DVDs a big hug right now, because they are God’s gift to you! 🙂 (hug)
You are hardly a failure. You are just a brave and selfless mom
who put your dream on hold for the better of your children. I
am so proud of you and admire your decision. The Lord will
richly bless your little family. Love you
Thank you, Fina. He has already blessed me with a somewhat less cluttered mind and heart. Thanks for always being my cheerleader. We love you guys too!
I totally relate! That’s exactly how I felt when I realized He wanted me to quit pursuing my graphic design degree and transfer to counseling…at a real college…that would require me to take MATH as a graduation requirement! Ugh! But in all seriousness, it broke my heart a little. And I felt like a failure and that I had wasted all of those credits and years only to start over again. Even now I feel emotional about it…four days into my new course material. And I thought the same as you…”God you lead me to go back to school. Why would you do that just to make me quit?” But he reminded me that every stage of life is beautiful, and as long as we are pursuing His heart, nothing is wasted. I wrote about it in the post “Prisms in God’s Hands” just a few weeks ago.
Be encouraged friend. You are not alone! I would give you a hug and shed a few tears with you if I was in Canada…but that’s far too north for this warm weather chic to travel so this will have to do. Hugs! <3
Ugh, MATH is right! 🙁 God gives and takes away, doesn’t He? And it hurts sometimes. I’m determined to see the beauty in what I have already accomplished in my degree, and in this new season of more concentrated homeschooling. I’m going to check out your prism post soon! Thanks for the hug- we’ll do it for real at Allume! 🙂
I know how you feel, Leah! It took me several years before I was finally willing to give up teaching piano, and even then it was still so hard! I feel like I’ve passed up so many other musical opportunities as well, and sometimes I feel guilty because I’m not using my musical talent to its fullest degree. But that’s not the season I’m in right now. I’m right there with you – being mom has to take first place, and some day it won’t matter how many thousands of people I could have influenced through written music or teaching if my own little ones have grown up without learning to know God. Someday, Leah…someday sooner than we think, our children will be grown and it will be a new season. In the meantime, I can promise that you will find joy and freedom in giving up something that was right to give up. You’ll enjoy these days with your children even more and it will be worth it!
Thank you, MaryEllen. God has already blessed me through the decision, and I know He will continue to. I’m still teaching at this time {it’s one of my hobbies} but it’s only one afternoon/evening per week. I feel that it keeps me sharp on my music facts and such. But every year I do evaluate and pray about whether or not I should teach. At least this year I realized I can’t teach AND take lessons myself. You are so right about seasons. And the more I experience of life, the more I’m not willing to let this important season go by without taking full advantage of it.
It is so true that we have to just let go sometimes. I do however think that ppl blame Satan sometimes when we, ourselves, are the ones who have built our expectations too high. For example, i saw a friend’s fb post last night that she felt discouraged that she had not started homeschooling her children for the year. Tsk, tsk. Really? She is a wonderful wife and mother who is incredibly active in church. She and her husband went on a short term mission trip this summer. In the area in which she lives, public schools traditionally start the tues after labor day. Moms, don’t add extra worry and stress to your lives when it is not supposed to be there. I am guessing the Lord knows you are a wonderful muscian, Leah, who diligently wants to serve Him with your talents. So you can’t repel bullets with your shiney slap bracelets while standing on your head . . . Who cares! I would like to see you try the standing on your head bit. Bouncy balls instead of bullets would be much nicer, i think.
Yep, I’ll take the bouncy balls. 🙂 You are right about it being our own fault sometimes for taking on too much. And we expect more of ourselves than even God does. I’m learning more and more to say ‘no’ and focus on what God has put in front of me to do. Thanks for your insight, Julia!
Following what God places in your heart will always be best. The season for your piano courses will come again as God wills. I love to see the steps that God orders in my life. He does always know what is best for me. Thankful for you and your sharing of godly principles!
Thank you, Missie! I’m thankful that I will still be able to teach my fabulous little group of students. I’ve just realized that I can’t do both- teaching and taking. Hopefully my skills will stay sharp. 🙂 Trust you are doing well, friend!
Great thoughts, Leah! I am an overachiever and don’t like to quit either (or admit that I have too much on my plate). Need to remember that sometimes I just need to quit a few things.
I usually don’t realize I have too much until I’m totally overwhelmed. lol Definitely better at saying ‘no’ than I used to be, but still have a ways to go! BTW, your ocean themed mantle is gorgeous! Would fit right in up here. 🙂
Leah,
Hugs to you! I sometimes feel like I’m sitting on the bench compared to what I used to do… I play trumpet and am not able to very often. Had to step down from the choir because our church does not have a nursery during practices and it was getting to be a wrestling match between our younger 2, so I decided to step out instead of ruin choir practice for everyone with so many distractions. Your article touched my heart once again. Let’s raise our little ones for the Lord, and pray it will make all the difference in the world. Thank you for posting, it makes the hard choice to step back not be so lonely.
I hear you….choir is a challenge here as well. I’m the pianist, though, so it’s difficult to step away. But there are other ministries that I’ve stepped away from and can now focus more time and energy on the most important things- my husband and children. You are not alone! Someday we will be glad we made the sacrifices! 🙂
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