One year ago this week I saw my Grandmother for the last time. I don’t remember everything about our last visit, but my one vivid memory is that she knew me and that she seemed so thrilled that I came all the way from Canada to see her.
She was a perfectly healthy, walk-two-miles-a-day person. Until that nagging cough brought the news that she had stage 4 lung cancer. My mom and her other children did so many sweet things for her to ensure her quality of life during the next few weeks. And as unbelievable as it is, Grandmama lived just 38 days after her diagnosis before she went to heaven.
I stopped my life and drove down with some friends who were heading to SC. When I left her hospital room that Wednesday night, I knew it would be the last time I saw her. I am so thankful that God allowed me to be there for the viewing and for her funeral. I got to be with family I hadn’t seen in 10+ years. It meant the world to me, as hard as it was, to actually BE there instead of trying to process it all from 2,000 miles away, in missionary custom. Even so, to this day it is still hard to process or even believe that it all happened.
Yet I remember all of the ‘lasts’…
The last birthday card I received, wherein she wrote “Pray for me. I am having some health problems.”
The last holiday card {she never missed a single holiday}.
The last birthday card for Small Son.
The last tiny red stocking at Christmastime, filled with a $20 bill, as was her custom. My mom filled them in her memory, attaching a ‘one last time’ note to our bundle of stockings.
Lasts are sad, aren’t they?
And yet every last gives birth to a first.
The first days without someone. The first anniversaries of birthdays and other special events. Sometimes you don’t even realize it until it happens. Something swells up inside. And you know you are navigating another first.
Because of a last.
As hard as lasts are, God’s firsts are filled with fresh grace, meant to soothe and heal like nothing else on earth can come close to.
This is the grief and beauty of lasts.
It gives me joy to think of another first that is coming someday for Grandmama and I.
Our first meeting in heaven!
Her last on earth was not the ultimate last. There is an unimaginable first in my future.
While I’m on earth, I’m wearing her pearls and admiring her cross stitching and crocheting, and crying through so many sweet memories that take me by surprise.
But I’ve got my eyes on a pretty special first.
And so I embrace her last.
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Really enjoyed this post. I totally agree that the firsts after the death of someone you love are bittersweet. My dad went Home after a six month battle with cancer in 2005. I know I will see him again one day, so that made it easier to remember the good times in the midst of the grief as those firsts came the next year. I’ve experienced a lot of “firsts after lasts” this past year as well, but the circumstances are totally different. This time the grief was due to someone choosing to walk away from the vows they made. The firsts weren’t bittersweet, they were just bitter and grief-filled. But God was with me the whole time, and I am glad to have them behind me and be moving forward toward the live God has for me now.
Nancy, I’m so glad you knew your Dad was a believer and that you know you will see him again! Sorry to hear of the rough year you have had. 🙁 I do hope and pray that God will bring healing to your hurting heart and that over time you will see His new plan for you. Thanks for visiting!
Even though my grandmother passed away a little more than 10 years ago, I felt the same way this year the week of her would be birthday. I wrote a series of posts on my blog about her during the week of June 28th. Some are funny. Some a bit serious. You might enjoy reading them. I had that “knowing” feeling as well when I saw her for the last time, but it did not hit me until my wedding was finished. My grandmother could not make it from Oklahoma with the liver & colon cancer. Perhaps it might be nice to continue some of her traditions and cook some of her recipes so they don’t have to be “lasts.”
Julia, I’m sure it was really healing to be able to write about her…this was the first time I felt able to write. And it wasn’t nearly all that I could have said about how special she was to me. I think your idea of continuing her traditions is a nice one! Create some new ‘firsts’. 🙂
Beautifully written – as always.
Thank you.
I love that new beginning part and the hope we have in Christ. And that we have everything to look forward to!
Yes, the eternal perspective really changes how we view what happens on earth! Thanks so much for visiting, Kathy!
Beautiful! Christ truly does give us hope and joy in the midst of every “last.”
I’m so glad He does! It makes earth’s trials a bit easier to bear. Thank you for visiting, Amy. Blessings to you!
Just a few months ago I said good-bye (over the phone from across the sea) to my last surviving Grandparent. Good-bye are tough, Lasts are hard, but the fact of “First Meeting in Heaven” is worth rejoicing over!
Carole, I’m so sorry you have had to go through that. I certainly understand the “across the sea” part. I did that with my first Grandmother who died in Feb. of last year. Missed her funeral and all, due to distance and the time of year. 🙁 Would be nearly impossible to process, were it not for our eternal hope of seeing them again! Thank you for sharing your heart. Blessings to you {and a hug}.