Today’s catch phrase is:
Nurture a healthy marriage.
Ministry takes a toll on marriages. I read the stories- you do, too. They are sad stories of stress and trials that crumbled relationships, hurting more than just the couple in leadership.
I voiced one of my regrets about ministry to my husband a few weeks ago. I said in a moment of self-evaluation, “I wish that we had had time to just be married- just be a family- before we went into ministry.” Now, lest you panic, we are fine.:) But the reality just dawned on me that had never crossed my mind before…
I don’t know what it’s like to be married and not be in ministry. I don’t know what it’s like to not have to balance those relationships and priorities. I don’t know what it’s like to not have that extra strain on my marriage.
On the other hand, these are the very things that have strengthened our marriage over the past 8 years. When we began ministry, we had only been married for 5 months. Not only did we begin ministry, but we moved to a new country- Canada. We experienced culture shock together and learned how to make it through intense trials with just us and God. Meanwhile, all family and most friends were 2,000 miles away. No one to turn to if things went wrong. No one to help us make it financially. It was sink or swim in a lot of areas. And thanks to the grace of God, we swam.
But even when you’re swimming, you get tired. It’s hard work to stay afloat when there are multiple things pulling you down and adding to your life burden. Which is why it is crucial to nurture a healthy marriage. Satan would love nothing more than to destroy ministry families. In little ways, I see him at work to drive wedges between dedicated spouses or to turn children away from God and ministry.
Do you want to know the truth? I really don’t have all the answers here. Do you find, as I do, that it is an ongoing battle to remain focused on God and each other in the midst of ministry criticism and drama that rips and tears at families in leadership? To surrender that planned time together because your spouse is on call and someone has called for him? To remember that you are one- and on the same side- when ministry stress tries to convince you otherwise? To joyfully share this man whom everyone else seems to think they have free access to, to criticize and control?
Yes, these are just a few of the battles of a ministry couple. And once again, the solutions aren’t easy. It takes work, dedication, sacrifice, and forgiveness. Just like any other marriage, but with some added dynamics.
I’m probably not alone to admit that we don’t date as much as we’d like to. Our heart-to-hearts get interrupted by phone calls. Sometimes it’s hard to stop talking about ministry and dream together about our personal life. It’s just part of being a shepherd’s wife. It means we have to be creative and very protective of our time with our spouse and family. It means we learn to set aside the guilt when we take time off or become ‘unreachable’ for awhile. It means we act on God’s grace to intentionally nurture the relationships that are most important.
For truly, if we lose those relationships, we have no ministry at all. My husband likes to say “You can get another church, but you can’t get another family.” He says it with humor, but it is so very true.
Ladies, let’s work hard and depend on God’s grace daily in this area! Let’s not become a heartbreaking story. Because indeed, it is a blessing to work side by side with our ministry husbands. Let’s:
Nurture a healthy marriage.
Let’s Chat: How do you combat the added stress of ministry on your marriage? What measures do you take to protect your time with your spouse? Do have any creative date ideas? Please share! {And as always, you can private message me if you are uncomfortable leaving a public comment.}
Im like you in some ways, Kenny was already an assistant pastor when we were married so I dont know marriage without ministry either. On the other hand, we have never taken on our own church either, so we do not have a lot of the stresses of a senior pastor. However, we do still have to guard our time and make time. Kenny gets Friday’s off from office work, he’s still on call and we do still do some things for the church that day but we try to keeo it ours. Also, we have recently started a “no technology hour” every night. The cell phones are off, the tv, computer and tablets all off, so we can get away from it all for just a few sweet moments. Very important.
Love the no technology hour! I would say that it is great that you are incorporating some good habits into your marriage now that will help you in the future if/when things get crazier! 🙂
Not enough talk about the marriage of a ministry family. Thank you Leah. I like Becky G’s tip of no tech hour. I want to try that!!! May I share a couple of our practices?
My husband is a senior pastor, but the pastoral staff all have Tuesdays off. My husband talks about it from the pulpit and calls it his “family day”. He says “I minister to the church and community wed-mon, and Tuesday I minister to my wife and children”… I think it really puts the church family in the mindset that he is not available (except emergencies… Like death) on Tuesdays, because most people respect it. And those who forget and call… We have disciplined ourselves not to even answer the call. That’s what voicemails are for…. If folks know you will answer… They WILL call. Eventually they will get the hang. Another rule on “family day” is no ministry planning, and no church family. We don’t hang out or see church members on that day even for fun. This is hard for us as we are social people, but we stay strict on this rule.
Another practice is keeping a regimen or schedule for ministry. This has really changed our lives. He prays and studies in the morning until lunch, then in the afternoon is when he ministers to people (by scheduled appointments or on visitations etc)… His preaching has greatly been impacted by this practice, and the church family likes knowing when is the best time frame to call or meet. He’s flexible of course with this, but for the most part this is followed.
Lastly, we keep 3 nights a week (not including our family day) free. Those nights we can do whatever we want. Could be having a game night with a few fams in the church, or going to bed early.. Etc. I love this practice! I love these nights to do something on purpose. Whether we need rest, or fellowship with friends. We are doing it on purpose.
I too have seen ministry families who don’t even know each other anymore. If we don’t protect our family somehow with boundaries in ministry, the devil is sure to divide them. Thanks Leah! I love your passion!
GREAT ideas, Shonda!! I shared them with my husband. I think we need to set up some of the boundaries that you have mentioned. I’m curious as to how you manage to get 3 nights a week free. That is so hard with so many programs going on.
Ahhh another great article Leah! (SPOILER ABOUT TO BE A LONG COMMENT!!!) I agree with Shonda, this topic is seldom talked about! Its as if we are all too afraid to admit we all have struggled with it, or we currently are!!! My husband and I have been married for 19 yrs. We didn’t start off in ministry. As a matter of fact we were a military family called out by God to join the ranks of a Spiritual Military ;). We went to Bible college in our 30’s..with two children and had two while there. Its amazing to me how Satan is so subtle and yet bold in his attacks. By the way, his tactics are never new! Its a military tactic…divide and conquer! That’s what was happening to me and my beloved! In the last month I too have been in a tug of war within my heart about our previous life, life away from ministry. (yes I have those moments too) My husband and I are very close, he’s my best friend, and we talk about a lot of things, but i hadn’t shared what was going on in my heart because i knew it wasn’t right and I knew it would discourage him. Well in an extremely exhausted state late Friday night I told myself…..that’s it, I’m done….can’t do this anymore. I want to move back to Ohio and have a real life!!! LOL can you believe that! The next day, Saturday, I was in the office when i received a call from a friend who is on deputation. (warning: divine intervention about to take place) I hadn’t spoken to her in forever. I asked how things were going, and then she said this out of nowhere, she said. “Laurie, your husband can’t leave the pulpit! You guys can never quit!” “Don’t you give up, your husband MUST stay in the pulpit, he must!” “You must support him, stay by him, pray for him, he must stay in the pulpit!” I was shocked at her comment and was speechless at the same time, (by the way this was God lovingly rebuking me and also encouraging me that we weren’t alone, He heard my hearts cry) she went on….”of every 24 churches Donnie calls, at least 2 pastors just resigned, of that 24 about 2 to 3 are already without a pastor and looking for one. Of that same 24 at least 4 or more have removed the Baptist name and don’t want to affiliate with Fundamental churches anymore.” I was so quite, that is all i needed to hear, to really see what was going on. We finished our conversation. I got up, cried, prayed and had a date night with hubbie that night, sharing my heart. (date night was crucial) We both prayed, embraced and said, by God’s grace not only will we keep going, but we will safeguard our family and personal couple time. I said all of that to say this……..it started with coming out of a busy season, with no personal family time like we USUALLY have, which led to an enabling of being divided and almost conquered! CARVE IT OUT!!!! IT MATTERS!!!!
Shonda thanks for sharing your families ideas! Very good!
Wow, Laurie. That phone call you got is amazing. I needed to read what your friend said to you, too! And the way you felt on Friday…I have felt that way too. ((hug)) We really need each other, don’t we?! God bless your ministry, and give you and all of us the courage we need to continue on, even when it looks impossible. Thank you so much for sharing! And I don’t mind it being long. 🙂
Yes we do Leah!!! ((hugs)) God bless your ministry too and thank-you for taking time daily to post such encouraging posts for all women in various walks of life. What you do is a ministry, it is worth it, God is using it to encourage and make us all feel like we are NORMAL lol Praying for your blog too!
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