Dear Pastor’s Wife,
Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
I know you know what it feels like to be searched and scrutinized…to have your faults magnified. It’s also likely that you and/or your husband have experienced false accusations during your ministry tenure. That sickening feeling is really unlike any other- that waiting to be cleared…that desperately uttered prayer to God to defend you. That wondering if, even though none of it is true, will there be any way to prove it?
It is one thing to have no choice while your life is being searched for fault. It is quite another thing to willingly offer, even ask another to search you and reveal your sins and shortcomings. Who would do that? Apparently David would. And there is one determining factor here:
Everything rests on the one who is doing the searching.
From the human side, if the searcher comes up with nothing, we are cleared. But this is rarely the case with God the holy Searcher. Why then should we or would we open ourselves up to such vulnerability?
The heart of the matter is with the character of the One Who is searching. And, oh, He searches with such unconditional love, grace, and mercy! He isn’t looking deep so that He can destroy us. Rather, He wants to make us stronger and more useful. It’s way different than being “on trial” with other humans. Always, God searches with only the best of intentions.
Rest in this. Peel back the layers of protection. Instead of feeling devastated, you will be comforted.
A Kindred Spirit
P.S. Underneath all those layers, you have a beautiful heart!